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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Madison, WI
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    1,613

    How do you stop hoping he'll come back?

    Alright, I've been spinning around in circles today. In general, I've been doing really well with my breakup - moving on, having days where I don't even think about him, that sort of thing. But his mom emailed me last night to express how disappointed she was that he didn't see what a great woman I am, so that stirred it all back up.

    I keep going in circles between three explanations for his decision/behavior:

    1. He's too scared to let himself be vulnerable to fall in love with me. He just needs to deal with that and then he'll realize how much he loves me.
    2. He's gay and can't/won't admit it to himself. (Actually a very real possibility. I have a lot of evidence. A disconcerting amount.)
    3. It's all my fault. I was too easy, too clingy, I should've done things differently, I would if he'd give me another chance. Maybe if I play it cool as we get to be friends again he'll realize what we had and want me back.

    The point is, regardless of the reason, I shouldn't keep hoping he'll come back. As I mentioned in another thread, I know I wouldn't trust him again. And whether I keep hope alive or not won't change what happens in the future.

    Some days I feel completely over it and ready to be friends, and other days I realize I'm still in love with him and don't know how to make that stop. I want to just make peace with things the way they are, whether he comes back to me or not.

    How do I stop wanting him back? How do I stop trying to convince myself there's still a chance? I want to just be okay with things however they turn out, because I know that no amount of worrying, rationalizing, or trying to figure it out will change anything.

    Thanks for letting me get that all out.
    Last edited by Cole; 08-31-2005 at 11:19 AM.
    "No woman wakes up in the morning thinking 'gee, I hope I don't get swept off my feet today...'"

    my heart knows me better than I know myself so I'm gonna let it do all the talking

  2. #2
    Wow, is this ever hard. I'd like to know the answer as well. Again with the ((hugs)). I'm with you. Sometimes I've had to just let myself feel that and let it run through me and then out. Sometimes that is REALLY hard. But that's all the help I can offer. Which is probably not much help at all.

  3. #3
    Write out all the reasons why he is wrong for you, bad behaviour and why you are better off without him. Oh yeah and why you think he is gay... That would be a big one in my book.

    I wrote out a similar list about some people when I could not help but obsess about. Then when I got all weak, I read it as a reminder why I should not care or pursue. Then I would remember why we broke up or why they are an ass. Ok fine and write about what you could do better in future.

    Then I guess the rest is up to time and keeping yourself busy with other things.

    Hope that helps.

  4. #4
    Kitty Guest
    I know a lot of people may disagree with this, but, I'm kinda thinking you need to get out there and start dating. Just forget about this guy, because you're right - it doesn't matter what the reason is he broke up with you.
    Last edited by Kitty; 08-30-2005 at 06:43 PM.

  5. #5
    You want my opinion, I think his mom also suspects your reason #2 and is freaking out. I don't think it was her business or the best judgement for her to send you that email.

    2. He's gay and can't/won't admit it to himself. (Actually a very real possibility. I have a lot of evidence. A disconcerting amount.)
    There's likely your main answer.

    I wish I could tell you what to do to forget him, but that's what you need to do.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Dec 2001
    Location
    The Oregon Trail
    Posts
    42,345
    I say you just plow on until one day you wake up and it doesn't hurt anymore (this could take a while). I'm pretty anti getting back in the dating pool right away, though, because my opinion is that nobody deserves to be the rebound person, and a guy can't be my first priority if I'm hung up on the memory of somebody else.
    "Even when I've f*&%ed up, I've spun it into a learning experience that's brought me to bigger and better things."

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    Moscow, Memphis, Cape Town, Dallas, Amsterdam, Boston, Berlin, San Francisco
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    3,461

    Answers for all three of your questions!

    1. It doesn't matter, don't give a shit.
    2. It doesn't matter, don't give a shit.
    3. It doesn't matter, don't give a shit.
    "I'm nothing if not ironically self-aware" - Wordsmith
    "Sometimes I'll see a beautiful woman, and it will ruin my whole day" - Robert Crumb

  8. #8
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    On an island
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    15,833
    Quote Originally Posted by Kitty
    I know a lot of people may disagree with this, but, I'm kinda thinking you need to get out there and start dating. Just forget about this guy, because you're right - it doesn't matter what the reason is he broke up with you.
    I agree with this. There is no sense in beating yourself up and trying to figure out "why" or "what can I do to get him back".

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    Moscow, Memphis, Cape Town, Dallas, Amsterdam, Boston, Berlin, San Francisco
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    Again, "high fidelity" rears its head in 20's life. Such a relavant book. One of my favorite passages is where Rob talks about the hardest part of getting dumped. That's that you feel completely powerless. The reason for this is because you are completely powerless. They don't care about you like you care about them and henceforth they have a massive influence on you and you have zero influence on them. The best solution is to stop the power they have over you, by not caring for them.

    Ok, nobody deserves to be a rebound person. But you know what? Sometimes you need reafirmation. Yes it's cheap, but so what? Getting dumped hurts and easing the pain helps. Under the right circumstances, I would be quite willing to be someone's rebound guy should that mean my entittlement to a rebound girl when I came to heartbrake myself.
    "I'm nothing if not ironically self-aware" - Wordsmith
    "Sometimes I'll see a beautiful woman, and it will ruin my whole day" - Robert Crumb

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Location
    wouldn't you like to know
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    6,081
    i'm in a similar boat too Cole, when you figure it out let me know. I try to keep as insanely busy as possible, which oddly, hasn't been all that difficult and at those weak moments, just let it out. Whether you cry, write, vent on a messageboard, what have you. If it's meant to be it'll work out, and if not, keep telling yourself, fuck him. And if you need to vent, feel free to PM me...
    Colleen
    "Life should be a little nuts. Otherwise, it's just a bunch of... Thursdays, strung together." Bo in Rumor Has It

    "The only people who are truly happy are the people we do not know very well." Susan Isaacs

    http://www.myspace.com/coll_in_ct

  11. #11
    Join Date
    May 2004
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    On an island
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    15,833
    Also try to think of people you've broken up with in the past. You may have thought they were "Mr. Right" but looking back, you cringe and think "WTF was I thinking". I do it all the time. The guy I thought I was going to slit my wrists over is almost 2 years ended now and I still want to kick myself in the head for letting myself get so worked up over him. When you are that into something, you are often blind to their negative side..........

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Dec 2001
    Location
    The Oregon Trail
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    42,345
    Quote Originally Posted by Deadend
    Ok, nobody deserves to be a rebound person. But you know what? Sometimes you need reafirmation. Yes it's cheap, but so what? Getting dumped hurts and easing the pain helps. Under the right circumstances, I would be quite willing to be someone's rebound guy should that mean my entittlement to a rebound girl when I came to heartbrake myself.
    I have an almost impossible time fathoming a scenario in which I'd find it acceptable to consciously choose to hurt somebody else. But, as in countless other threads, it appears I'm in the minority on this one. Basically, you're saying your reaffirmation is important enough that it justifies hurting somebody else, and I'll never agree with that.
    "Even when I've f*&%ed up, I've spun it into a learning experience that's brought me to bigger and better things."

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    Moscow, Memphis, Cape Town, Dallas, Amsterdam, Boston, Berlin, San Francisco
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    Nah, not saything that at all. I think you can do both without hurting anyone. You just have to be very up front with where you are and what you're looking for.
    "I'm nothing if not ironically self-aware" - Wordsmith
    "Sometimes I'll see a beautiful woman, and it will ruin my whole day" - Robert Crumb

  14. #14
    Tart yourself up. Go out for an evening. Have fun... Flirt... Remind yourself you still go it going on and there are cute people out there for you. That should suffice for an ego boost.

  15. #15
    Kitty Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by wordsmith
    I have an almost impossible time fathoming a scenario in which I'd find it acceptable to consciously choose to hurt somebody else. But, as in countless other threads, it appears I'm in the minority on this one. Basically, you're saying your reaffirmation is important enough that it justifies hurting somebody else, and I'll never agree with that.
    I don't understand how going on a date with someone else after a break-up is necessarily hurting someone else???? WTF?! This is the most messed up logic. What if you're up front w/ the person and tell them you just broke up and don't want anything serious, but would like to go out for a good time.

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