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  1. #1

    Breaking Up when you live with your boyfriend

    I have been dating my current boyfriend for two years and we live together. I just can't help but think that its not right. He is wonderful, I just don't know if my heart is fully in it. However, I am scared to lose the relationship and potentially deal with breaking up and all that comes with breaking up with someone that you live with. I am on the verge of being 26 and just feel like I have spent the last 6 years of my life in two relationships and have nothing to show for it. I really don't know what to do. I just think I will never be in love like I once was with my first boyfriend. I hate to admit it but in the wake of a million friends getting married, I am scared to be 26 and single. I know these are not the right reasons to stay in a relationship, but they are my concerns. Has anyone dealt with breaking up with someone you lived with?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    May 2005
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    e until moral improves
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    I don't have first hand experience with breaking up with someone you live with but I hear it's akin to having a divorce without the "help" from lawyers. A lot of people delay the breakup just because they don't want to face the daunting task of seperating their stuff and moving.

    A couple things to think about - at 26, you've had a couple long term relationships, that's more relationship experience than a lot of people. Sure, it doesn't come with a shiny ring or certificate, but that life experience counts for something. You have a better idea of what you want in a relationship, right? Would you rather stay and get your trophy but still be unhappy? I know people bitch about being single all the time, but is being alone really scarier than being with the wrong person?

    Assuming, of course, the person you are with IS wrong for you and you aren't making unfair comparisons with past relationships. Are you remembering the full picture with your first boyfriend? Do you remember why you broke up? Was the quality of the connection (not just the passion) really more fulfilling? Not that "better" automatically means "good enough to stay with". If your current beau is not someone you want to be with, you owe it to yourself to be honest with him and set each other free to go after what you really want.
    Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. ~ Dr. Suess

    Everyone sees who you appear to be, few see what you really are. ~ Machiavelli

  3. #3
    You'll never be in love like you once were. That's how it is for most everyone, I think. You never forget the ache of your first love. However, that doesn't mean future loves won't be fulfilling.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
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    New York, NY
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    Not personally, but a coworker of mine has. She made sure all her stuff was packed before she told him though. One of the smartest moves you can make if you do decide to call it quits.

  5. #5
    Kitty Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by CityGal
    Not personally, but a coworker of mine has. She made sure all her stuff was packed before she told him though. One of the smartest moves you can make if you do decide to call it quits.
    I guess that's like the thing to do, but I don't get it. Every girl I know that left the guy they were living with, moved out completely when the guy was at work or whatever and then had them find out that way. I personally think that's heartless.

  6. #6
    When I broke up with my live-in, he moved out with a carload of stuff, and came back for the rest when I was at work (but knew he'd be there). It was hard, but better than being in the crappy relationship. I only wish I'd done it sooner.
    Shakespeare got to get paid, son.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    Bawlmer, hon
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    6,468
    Quote Originally Posted by inmediasres
    You'll never be in love like you once were. That's how it is for most everyone, I think. You never forget the ache of your first love. However, that doesn't mean future loves won't be fulfilling.
    I thought I'd never love anyone as much as I loved my first. Then came my second and I loved him even more. Hopefully, third time's the charm. But I'll at least know to love smarter!
    Still pheenin' for my next fix.

    Fathers be good to your daughters,
    daughters will love like you do...
    -John Mayer

  8. #8
    I had a boyfriend of 2 years, we lived together 8 months. I broke up with him and at the time it was really difficult because we lived together for 2 months after our breakup (needed to finish up job stuff, move out). It was the best decision I ever made.

    It was not like divorce for us because we did not merge our finances or commit to eachother life-long at any point. It broke my heart to break his heart but I kept focusing on how I knew it was a solid decision and would both be better off in the long run.

    Also, I think that *some* people never love anyone like they did their first...but it's different for everyone. I never loved anyone like I love my husband. All my past boyfriends pale in comparison, and I barely think of them anymore beyond the occasional "i hope their life is turning out good and they are happy".

    Also, I would recommend not fearing the unknown/being alone. You have no idea when someone wondeful will show up in your life. And you will never find out if you settle because it's easier than breaking up and moving out.

    Good luck!

  9. #9
    Sparky,

    Do you mind me asking why you broke up with your boyfriend that you lived with? I guess my concern is that my current boyfriend is great -I have no complaints about him I just question how much in love I am. So, as much as I am afraid of settling --I am afraid of ending it with a great person. What if the grass isn't greener?

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Miss M
    I am afraid of settling --I am afraid of ending it with a great person.
    If you're afraid you might be settling, then you probably are.
    Shakespeare got to get paid, son.

  11. #11
    Quote Originally Posted by Miss M
    Sparky,

    Do you mind me asking why you broke up with your boyfriend that you lived with? I guess my concern is that my current boyfriend is great -I have no complaints about him I just question how much in love I am. So, as much as I am afraid of settling --I am afraid of ending it with a great person. What if the grass isn't greener?
    To start I will say that I also had no complaints about my boyfriend. We got along great, had fun, could communicate fairly well. We loved each other very much, actually. We had been through a lot together and had become great friends. The reason we ended breaking up was because we both needed to figure out what we wanted to do with our lives, what our priorities were. It was paralyzing our growth to stay together. Our relationship did not end in a bad way at all. We just had an honest discussion and made plans to wrap things up and move along in life.

    Looking back, and after getting married, I now see that what was missing from day one was a deep enthusiasm for the others life. It's not that we had it, and lost it. It just was never there. What happened was over time we talked ourselves into being in love. And at the end of the day, when I realized & listened to what my heart was telling me I knew it was the most loving thing to break up and stop deceiving ourselves. He agreed.

  12. #12
    Kitty Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Miss M
    Sparky,

    Do you mind me asking why you broke up with your boyfriend that you lived with? I guess my concern is that my current boyfriend is great -I have no complaints about him I just question how much in love I am. So, as much as I am afraid of settling --I am afraid of ending it with a great person. What if the grass isn't greener?
    Are you just bored? Restless? i dunno..part of me thinks some of your thinking/feelings may be normal..but some of them make me think you may be settling. It seems like you need to do some soul searching.

  13. #13
    As hard as it is, if you don't want to be with him, break up. If you live together and lose more and more interest, it will just get worse and worse. I know a couple that lives together and should have broken up like 2 years ago. I've watched them just sink further and further. She gets depressed all the time, her eye wanders, he just stays home all the time. It's not worth it. 26? You have plenty of time. Look at it this way, the longer you stay w/him, the longer you keep yourself from finding someone who may surprise you.

  14. #14

    Precautions to take

    Quote Originally Posted by CityGal
    Not personally, but a coworker of mine has. She made sure all her stuff was packed before she told him though. One of the smartest moves you can make if you do decide to call it quits.
    While it may sound heartless, I second that this is a really wise move. Any breakup has the potential to get ugly. You make it sound like your soon-to-be-ex is a decent guy. But people react in strange ways to breakups. So all bets are off whether you'll even be able to get your stuff once you've announced your breakup.

    The most important thing is to make sure you have your identity documents. (Driver's license, social security card, passport if you have one, etc.) They can be very hard to replace and it can be very hard to function in society without them. Also don't forget other important records, including all financial records.

    Even if you don't have another place to live lined up, you can still rent a self-storage unit and move your stuff into it. It shouldn't take more than a few trips and a few hours. Also, you might want to give the storage unit a mailing address of a mailbox other than where you live now (see below) because if your soon-to-be-ex sees that you opened up a storage unit, that would be a red flag.

    Also important is receiving mail. In a breakup situation, it's a very bad idea to have the USPS forward your mail to your new residential address. This is because USPS will give the new address to anyone who has the old address. Besides, you might not have a new permanent address right away. So you'll want to open up a mailbox and then forward your mail at your current address to the mailbox. Mailboxes Etc. works, but they're not cheap, and there may be cheaper alternatives in your area. Note that you should ideally do this before you actually move because the USPS requires your actual residential address to open a mailbox.

    Sorry if this sounds negative. But again, any breakup situation has the potential to turn ugly. So think of it like an insurance policy. And you have the absolute right to protect yourself. Besides, replacing stuff can be expensive. I lost stuff which would cost upwards of $2,000 to replace - not a breakup situation, but a place I can't safely go back to regardless.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Posts
    228
    My ex and I were together for 4 years, and lived together for almost 2. I was in the same situation as you. My ex was a great guy, I had no real complaints about our relationship - but he was just not the guy for me. I began questioning whether or not I was settling, could I spend my life with him, etc. The fact that I even had to question made me realize I needed to move on. I don't think you can kind of want to be with someone. Anything other than yes is no. I did not want to further waste my time or his - that's just not fair. We ended the relationship, and I moved out when he was at work. He said he couldn't bear to watch me go, and I knew I wouldn't have the guts to do it when he was there. It is hard, because you become so comfortable with someone and rely on them so much. It's no fun leaving that zone for the alone zone. If you want more info, feel free to PM me. Good luck.
    Good friends we've had and good friends we've lost, along the way
    In this great future you can't forget your past so dry your tears I say

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