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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    42

    When He Leaves You For Someone Else..

    My boyfriend (ex) of 2.5 years left me for another. My ex and I grew up together and were friends for years before we started dating. He lied to me several times about this new girl in his life for about 2 months (I had my suspicions). I admit, our relationship wasn't the healthiest...but we went through both great and bad times together....with each other, family, and friends. He told me within those two months that he loved me, that noone could ever take my place, and that I was his first love. A few weeks later, I finally found out the truth (from a friend) that he was, and still is, in a relationship with the other girl. He's only known her since October....he already told her in January that he loves her (even though he said he didn't when I asked him after I found out). We only broke up in December....

    People tell me that he's probably in this relationship for all the wrong reasons, that he's just "in love" with the thought/idea of being "in love." He broke my heart, and even though it's been MONTHS since I've had any contact with him, I'm still trying to pick up the pieces. He ended our relationship in the most dishonest, cruel, deceitful way....and he left me hangin' high and dry as if I never meant anything to him. I feel like I'll never understand how he could do that, especially since we had so much history together. I understand that relationships come to an end, and I'm fine with that...but how he ended it just fucking sucks. I told him that "It didn't have to end this way." Not sure if he does, or if he'll ever feel any regret/remorse for it. How could he just let go without looking back?

    Anyone ever had this experience? Did your ex ever come back into your life after something like this? I'm just bitter and angry - he has a "distraction" in his life while I'm single and still pining away for him....hoping he still thinks about me and misses me. But, I guess I'll never know? And I ask myself every day, "Can their relationship possibly last?"

    Hoping to get that phone call from him one day....maybe she'll break his heart. Karma....is it out there?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    Boston
    Posts
    944
    Well I can tell you that karma is out there. I've actually felt the same way at one point for one of my relationships. It actually felt good when my ex called me on the phone crying about how the guy she left me for left her for someone else. I did everything right for this girl back when we were in a relationship. I was always there, I got her nice things, I'd take her on vacations to nice places, ect. She left me for another guy after we were dating for a year. So I was very very bitter. But we didn't really break it off in a bad way. I just told her to do what makes her happy and that we'll never be more than just friends ever again.

    I won't say that karma will come back and bite him in the ass but chances are that it will. I'd say just move on with your life and find someone who will treat you right. It's really not worth your time to anticipate the downfall of his relationship, I don't think he deserves it.
    The world is not enough.

  3. #3

    What a prat!

    I don't like the sound of your exes! It's like they've got this attitude that they'll be with you "until something better comes along!" (As Natalie Imbruglia sings it).

    There is Karma as Alicia Key's sings it: "What comes around goes around and what goes up must come down!" All actions have consequences even if it doesn't seem so at first.

    If I were in your shoes; I'd be singing Jo Jo's "Get out, leave now, it's the end of you and me!"

    I'd give it a break with this guy for a couple of years with NO contact whatsoever! Start taking up new activities or courses - make new friends, date different guys to get your mind off this creep!

    He was cheating on you, she new he had a girlfriend - perhaps they deserve one another! Anyway....I think he was quite sneaky the way he went about things! I guess sometimes you have to date 'toads' so that in future you'll know the princes from the toads!
    "The harder you fall, the higher you bounce!"

    Going thru QLC - check the below link out & be aware!

    http://didut.nomadlife.org/2005/04/2...read-this.aspx

  4. #4
    Hey there, I have had a similar experience too myself.

    That was my second ex. I had been with her for seven months, she was the insecure and paranoid type, which I gave a lot of time, effort and attention to. Her family was chaotic (her dad was a chronic gambler and wife-abuser), she frequently complained to me about her hardship and I patiently listened and consoled her, time and time again. But she always had this guy lingering in the background, who was her ex that left her after he fell for another girl. I felt sorry for her and was determined not to treat her like her ex did. But towards the end of my relationship, things fizzled out (which I suspect something was wrong, 'cos she used to be very warm towards me) and I had to ask her for confirmation that it was over between us. Guess what happened next? Recently she told me she had sex with a guy - the very guy who left her for another girl. I was fuming mad (maybe I don't have the right to, but I couldn't help it) that I severed all ties with her. She is now no longer on my mobile, MSN, Friendster and Facebook contacts and I never want to see her again.

    Sometimes I just wonder, is it worth it to treat a girl as nice as I did? 'Cos she didn't appreciate it, and threw it back in my face. It really sucks. I am just wondering, do girls with good moral values even exist? Or am I just down on luck?

    I am slowly pulling myself out of the emotion quagmire. Faith in relationships can be restored, but it probably will not be fully restored. Sorry for my rants, and thanks for reading this post.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Posts
    689
    Maestro, and the OP: I by no means intend to sound cold here, so I apologize for I may sound via forum.

    You win some, you lose some - dating sucks, but it's a fact of life unless you want to be alone forever (which, maybe you do). There are assholes out there, no doubt about it. Some are selfish, some have commitment issues, others you'll never figure out - don't waste your energy trying. Try to think of it beyond it being about you, and think that those particular people had issues that they had to work out in their lives before they would be (if ever) read for someone like you. It doesn't make your feelings magically better, but you can either wallow in self-pity about some jerk you can't control, or you can pick up and move on, knowing that there are millions of people out there you haven't even met yet - ONE of whom has to be looking for someone like YOU. Try not to think so much about finding that person and just go for the ride - enjoy the experiences of different people. Learn from each person you date, and have fun. When you meet that right person, there won't be as much pressure and things will just sort of flow.

  6. #6
    Hey thanks Rage, nope it didn't sound cold, just logical...and yeah, it does take time to finally meet the one who has been seeking for you.

    I guess the process of seeking, experimenting and picking yourself up is applicable to all other parts of life too.

  7. #7
    Why is this thread starting to remind me of the book HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. I wouldn't be offended, just go out there and find someone who is. (Into you, that is...) I know, easier said than done. Why do you think I've been single for 26 years?
    "I want to hold the whole wide world right here in my open hands/maybe I'm just a little girl/a little girl with great big plans." ~Mindy Gledhill, Whole Wide World



    "If you can't spot the crazy person on the bus, it's probably you." ~HIMYM, Season 6

    Yes, I blog...


    "Sometimes you have to wade through some shit to get to the good stuff." ~Tayl405

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Brooklyn, NY
    Posts
    974
    I agree with Rage - it's often about them, not about you. I once left one guy (2 yrs) and entered into another intense relationship right away. I met the new guy before I broke it off with my ex and he kind of inspired me to make the break. But it was really just a rebound, an excuse, as I wanted to break up with the ex anyway. It just wasn't working. If the relationship is working, they generally won't abandon it. I wish you the best of luck recovering from this - I know how much it hurts - and I hope you can move on with someone who is a better match for you.

    By the way karma did come around for me because the rebound guy was the worst boyfriend I'd ever had in the history of ever.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    42
    Thanks for all of your responses....to be honest, it's nothing I haven't heard in the past few months. I guess I thought that, by now, I would be in a better place. Some days I feel like it's getting HARDER, and not easier. Maybe that's because with each day that goes by, the more I realize he's moved on, doesn't give a shit, and isn't coming back. I know, I know..."Why would I want him back after the way he treated me?" Maybe it's not so much that I want him back....maybe I just want the satisfaction of him wanting ME back, or missing me, or SOMETHING. Then again, who knows what's going on in his mind. Maybe he does miss me in some way but feels ashamed for his actions and wants me to be happy/move on (I HATE giving him the benefit of the doubt, but sometimes it's comforting).

    I just hate the fact that I can't stop dwelling on his new found relationship...even though I never met the girl, nor do I know what they're like together. I think my imagination gets the best of me...I just picture them OH-SO-HAPPY. There's a lot more to the background of our relationship (if you go to the LIFE forum, and read my other post called "TUG-OF-WAR"). I hope that she really is just his rebound because my self-esteem is just at an all-time low. Does she have what it takes to make him happy? I guess I was a big disappointment to him or something....

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Dizzle Cizzle
    Posts
    1,767
    Karma is whacked out mystical bullshit. There is no such thing. It's a pacifist's revenge.

    I've been where you are, it hurts to see someone leave you for someone else. I think the hardest thing to know is that when someone leaves you, they've been preparing for it for awhile. They've dealt with their emotions and come to a conclusion. Unfortunately when they tell you, it's all brand new to you, and it stings. Time will heal it though. You'll go on, meet new people, and the memories will fade or be compartmentalized until you want to remember them.
    It's ok, I'm not really here.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Posts
    689
    I think it's normal to think about the one who got away. At first it's painful, and then it is just a small sort of regret. I don't know if anyone else experiences similar, but I still have a small ounce of regret about losing my first girlfriend for something stupid. Looking back, it was high school and inconsequential, but events leave impressions on you that stick sometimes because you remember them in your past context. Other girls dumped me since her, and while I still remember them for some reason better than the ones I parted with on my terms, the first just stands out as the greatest regret of the lot for some reason. Every person has baggage of some sort. In the end, I learned from each relationship and I think it made me a better person. Some people just let breakups take over their lives and they become romantically paranoid. Unfortunately, this just leads to more bad situations.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    Boston
    Posts
    944
    The hardest part of these break ups is falling out of love for the one that you've put so much of your life into. The only thing that heals that new void is time as long as you start moving on.
    The world is not enough.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    North Babylon, Long Island
    Posts
    117
    You should read
    it's called a Breakup Because it's broken.
    I'ts the same people who wrote the other book that was mentioned "he's just not that into you". And it's good.

    About 9 months ago my BF of almost 3 years broke up with me over NOTHING... I had more reason to break up with him but I was fighting to make it work. I read it and immediately felt comfortated not better but not alone... There are some great things it gives you to do as well...

    It's not a cure the only thing that's really going to do it is time, I hope you're feeling better soon. And You'll find someone much more worthy of your amazingness who will recognize what they have and not let it go
    Good Luck
    ..I was much further out than you thought
    And not waving but drowning...I was much too far out all my life And not waving but drowning. Stevie Smith

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    North Babylon, Long Island
    Posts
    117
    By the way for all of you grammer and spell checkers ... Im sorry I in no way meant to write comfortated... complete accident. Sorry
    ..I was much further out than you thought
    And not waving but drowning...I was much too far out all my life And not waving but drowning. Stevie Smith

  15. #15

    Love Triangle Gone Bad- HE LEFT ME

    I got myself into a really sticky situation. I was in a long distance relationship that was going nowhere. After two and half years my man still had no intention of moving forward so we could be together permanently, knowing this I was trying to determine if I should end it, which put in a vulnerable state. During this time I met another man locally that appeared to fall head over heels with even though he knew I was with someone else. I was honest and told him this the first five minutes of meeting me when he approached me at the store. He told me he just wanted to spend as much time as he can with me even still. We became inspirable though I had not made the decision, and he started to pressure me hard to end my relationship and be with him after a week. He was giving me everything I had longed for…even went so far as to propose the following week and I got caught up in the moment and said yes, us knowing all full well there was another situation that had to be handled.

    Since he had just moved here a week before he met me and was living with his mother, he claimed to have been going to help his Aunt across town with things that needed to be done to make money and until he found a job, but he never seemed to have any money, still I did not question him. I asked for a bit of space because everything was moving so fast and I still needed to deal with my other situation. He started to change when I was not ending it fast enough, and I ended up taking a trip to see the other man after a month of seeing him because I wanted to be fully sure of what my decision was going to be, and I assured him I would have a decision when I came back. I know this hurt him, but in the long run, I had to make sure of what I was doing rationally. When I did return he pushed even harder for a commitment and never gave me a chance to really answer him. He took a few more overnighter to his ”aunts house”.

    Suddenly, he disappeared for 5 days, and I was sick and heart broken. I knew had to do something. While he was gone I went to his mothers and left a CD of songs that expressed our relationship, and a letter expressing my commitment to him. I told my long distance man, I was done, and ready to move on during the 5 days. He returned and he said he was ready & happy because he couldn’t take it anymore, her further stated he was at his “grandfather’s” house. We were good for a couple of days, and guess what? He DISAPPEARS AGAIN…this time for 3 WEEKS. No explanation, no nothing. I ended up having to seek counseling and went into a depression accompanied by anxiety.

    His mother kept contact with me, checking in with me to see how I was doing at first she was saying hang in there because she didn’t know what was going on, and after two weeks told me she encouraged me to try and fix my Long Distance relationship, which was a bad sign. I needed to get away…and I opted to go see my now ex who welcomed me with open arms, I was sick to death and didn’t want to be there…I was deeply confused. Ironically…Local decides to call while I am gone. I was so livid. I hung up on him. He called back and left a message asking me to talk.

    A week later (Saturday) I called him and I met up, and when he saw me the first thing he did was kiss me, when I finally sat down to talk, he said was still in love with me, but he just didn’t believe my ex was out of the picture and he left to clear his head. He assured me his disappearance had nothing to do with another woman. He spent a few days with me and we decided he move in with me and we went full steam ahead. The next thing we back talking about getting married and even went to the doctor to see about the possibility of having kids. I had put him on my cell phone account because he only had a prepaid.

    On that Friday following we went out, I left for a about 30 minutes, and when I returned he called me when I parked telling me he is going be home in 20 minutes and never came outside. On my way home he kept calling me every few minutes and then said he was on his way. He never came home, and turned his cell phone off. I went online and looked up his call activity and found the number he called during the time this all took place and called the number unavailable. (even crossed reference and found the woman on Facebook) The next day I got an answer from a woman.. I didn’t say anything. I continued to try and call him and he never answered. I finally got a text at 7pm the next night with him saying he was sorry, he was stupid, please don’t hate me, I love you, and I don’t want to lose you. He even went so far as to say he is dying of lung cancer and that his grandmother died and he was going to NYC he will be back on Wednesday.


    The next he text saying he sorry for everything. I then told him he was lying about leaving with a man, and that was he kept calling to see where I was at, and then turned his phone off. I further told him he does not deserve for me to have chosen him. I then typed “TRUTH MODE: 000-000-0000” entering the lady’s number. He asked how I got it, and said don’t worry about it. He then proceeded to tell me “that is the woman I am in love with” I WAS FLOORED” He moved in with me, citing he is in love with me, he wants to marry me, and me have his baby, but you are in love with someone else, why did you move with me then?

    I later found out he was lying about EVERYTHING, all those times he was claiming to be with his family he was with her, while pressuring me to end my relationship. His grandmother was not dead and he was not in NYC, there was no lung cancer. EVERYTHING was a lie. He was with the new lady. He left me for her, and that is where he had been those times he disappeared. Left me DEVASTATED. He was dishonest though I was completely honest with him. I suspended his phone account after I intercepted the phone number and talked to the other woman who does not care at all what happened as long as he is with her. I changed my number so he cannot reach me and I am still picking up the pieces. This all happened in the last three months. He has been completely gone and got caught 3 weeks ago.

    I went back into a depression, but am pulling myself through because now I know what happened. I had been obsessing over the whole situation and blaming myself for everything, but I have gotten past that. and now I am getting back to me. I realize now that he does not deserve for me to have chosen him, and I didn't need to be with either one of the guys.

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