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  1. #1

    Being Single & Bitter: How to Cope

    Looking back on my past.. heck, even as much as 8 years ago, I realize I slowly became very bitter due to being single. And I never really was conscious of it until recently.

    I faced many years of rejection, and frustration over failed short relationships. And it slowly affected many parts of my life:

    1) I became pissed off at bosses giving me too much work when everyone else handled things better.

    2) When friends got married, or entered a loving a relationship, I got jealous rather than happy for them.

    3) When I see a couple hold hands on the street, I'd walk past them in disgust.

    4) When I hear someone describe their S.O. as "awesome and the best boyfriend in the world", I'd comment in response "Well, I could be fucking awesome too if you gave me the chance... BITCH"

    5) When I hear couples giving congratulations for anniversaries, I'd privately comment "Congratulations for what?! Fucking each other brains every night?! Anyone can do that."


    Now compare this to someone who is not single:

    1) When a friend gets married, we get happy for him/her. We get excited over the little details of the wedding.

    2) When we see a couple hold hands, we might comment "They're a cute couple".

    In short, life seems good, and ppl in relationships have a more positive outlook (I know, a stereotype but generally speaking, it's true).

    Being bitter never helps - because it only hurts you. Noone really cares if you're bitter anyway. But being single for many years involuntarily is a big deal, and something that can cause huge problems down the line.. I'm talking about potentially taking shit into your own hands, and committing crimes, being violent, aggressive, and just being self-destructive.

    I never reached that point thankfully, but looking back, I know I very well could have if I haven't started observing my mood/attitude these past few years.

    But how does this help you if u're single? There are several tips I'd like to share to "relieve" the bitterness, and make sure it doesn't explode. I encourage everyone to share their own.

    1. Get massages from the opposite sex
    Yes, even if you have to pay for it. You need the smooth touch of someone, and a massage therapist, while not a S.O. by any means will give you that. Touch is a biological need - babies die when they aren't touched.

    2. Spiritual alliances with other singles
    Yes, misery loves company, but you don't wanna associate with other bitter ppl. You wanna associate with other singles who are spiritual, and can turn being single into a spiritual pursuit.. because there's so much you can learn and cultivate before you enter a relationship.

    3. Get involved in more physical pursuits/activities
    Nothing can replace sex, but I think part of what makes sex so enjoyable is that both ppl are into it. Sports, dancing, yoga, etc are like that too. You wanna spend your leisure time doing stuff where you're out of your mind, and aren't thinking about the unfairness of the world. Watching romance movies, or even most movies, on the other hand is NOT what you should be doing.

    4. Do something you can master
    If you suck in the relationship department, it helps to be superior in another, whether it's something like mastering a foreign language, a skill, a musical instrument, etc. Make sure your hobbies are something you can master so that self-esteem builds up.

    5. Pay for a sex worker but not for sex
    I know this is a controversial one, but I'm not recommending people to pay for sex per se (due to health risk). I'm suggesting paying for a sex worker (asian massage parlors with happy ending) to give you sexual relief when you really need it, as well as someone to practice lovemaking with. Most people dun really need sex ... well they think they do, but actually, they just want someone to hold and touch.

    Again, some ppl will have an issue with this, but I'm always on the side of singles... if a man is single, can't find anyone, has immense sexual frustration and anxiety, and sees everyone doing it, and feels depressed, lonely, and thinks life is unfair, you want him to just suck it up and be patient?

    I think this bitterness is something not many ppl give awareness to. It's potentially dangerous to society, and themselves.

    What do you think? How can singles cope until they find a partner?

  2. #2
    It's not really that difficult for me. I've been completely single and celibate for seven years, and I'm fine. As long as your life is otherwise satisfying people can get by without sex and/or a relationship.

  3. #3
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    I used to be (not really bitter) about my singleness, but I was really self-conscious about it. I'd be fine being single knowing that I was waiting for an awesome person. But it seemed like other people seemed to try to ruin that. Other people felt the need to point out from time to time (directly or indirectly) what I was missing. That's what would ruin it for me. I found that since other people were the root of my problems, once getting toxic couples out of my life worked, I felt a lot better about being single (by that I mean I had far fewer doubts about my choices). Besides that, my career has taken a nosedive since those days so I've had much bigger things to worry about anyway, which helps in a twisted way. I've gotten involved doing things that are interesting to me and I plan to do a lot more. So I am concentrating on that, as well as planning to live my life for myself (although that part hasn't actually worked out for me as of now, but we'll see ).
    I think more people would be happy single if being alone wasn't seen as such a bad thing. Think about it, a lot of people can't stand to physically be alone, let alone not in a relationship. Our society often, if unconsciously, pushes couples and families as the ones whom to look up to. Nevertheless, anyone who is unhappy being single should take a hard look at why it is that they're unhappy; there's probably a simple solution to the problem.
    Last edited by erika36; 11-28-2010 at 07:42 PM.
    "Oh, I'm bilingual, right? I speak bitch too!" Gloria, Bring It On, Fight To The Finish

  4. #4
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    I realize it might not "be right" for me to post here seeing as how I am engaged now, but it was not always easy for me as well. I also found myself alone after a really toxic relationship with an ex-boyfriend and prior to that, could never seem to find a relationship that lasted longer than a few months. I think a lot of these tips are good; your move may vary, and like with any advice, you need to apply what works for you and tweak or discard the rest.

    I have also been on the receiving end of other people's bitterness and I have to say that my sympathy toward those who actively take out dating frustrations on others is very limited. But my cases are extreme examples; one involved sexual assault and the other involved a harassing living situation. Usually, though, we're our own worst enemies. When you think about it, people can be bitter about many things, e.g. being married, having kids they didn't want, feeling stuck in their careers (or stuck as stay-at-homes), a toxic boss or manager, having money problems, living in a place they don't care for, and so on. It is really more about how you handle those feelings, and whether you choose to be constructive or destructive about them.

    Quote Originally Posted by erika36
    But it seemed like other people seemed to try to ruin that. Other people felt the need to point out from time to time (directly or indirectly) what I was missing. That's what would ruin it for me.
    Great point. Too many people, as well, tend to internalize the messages their families send them about what's best for them instead of finding what actually works for them. Sometimes, though our families have good intentions, they can be very narrow-minded about what constitutes a life well-lived. I also feel that we have a long way to go as a society in remembering that the goal of life is not to fit a certain template. A healthier goal is probably self-actualization - but this doesn't sell newspapers and magazines. And yes, I did read the Time magazine story and I'm still trying to get what the point of it was - seemed to boil down to "some people like to do this, and some people like to do that."

  5. #5
    It was never that hard for me, to be honest. Being single comes naturally to me I guess, it's always been more of an adjustment to me to be in a relationship.

    Just remember that it's only one part of life that you're missing out on. You can still have meaningful relationships, you can still have sex, and you can still do everything that a person in a couple can do except for be in a couple. On the positive side, you don't have to compromise with someone else on things like vacations and what to do for the weekend, and you have more time for friends and personal projects.

    And if that doesn't help, remember that a bitter attitude will keep you single like nothing else. Guys and girls both can smell bitterness and desperation from a mile away.

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by sarahg View Post
    Just remember that it's only one part of life that you're missing out on. You can still have meaningful relationships, you can still have sex, and you can still do everything that a person in a couple can do except for be in a couple. On the positive side, you don't have to compromise with someone else on things like vacations and what to do for the weekend, and you have more time for friends and personal projects.
    It's 1 part of your life, but in my opinion having someone to love improves the overall joy and happiness of our life, out of everything in life. I see the relationship department as 90% of happiness and the rest as 10%. Of course I see friendships as not meaningful.

    Quote Originally Posted by sarahg View Post
    And if that doesn't help, remember that a bitter attitude will keep you single like nothing else. Guys and girls both can smell bitterness and desperation from a mile away.
    Yep, I agree. I can see bitterness in girls in how they look. I see bitterness in guys in how they talk. It's fun being bitter in a joking, pretending kind of way when you are in a relationship though.

  7. #7
    Here's the bottom line: most people want to have someone in their lives and don;t want to be single- so there's a natural bitterness/jealousy/frustration when they don't have what they want and see other people have it - it's sort of like a poor person being around all wealthy people- it can get naturally frustrating- the key is to not show that frustration and also to try to focus on other things while you're single - but of course there is gonna be that feeling of wanting something and hating that you don't have it - the problem is that people who have it take it for granted and can't understand what it's like to not have it

    My advice is to try to focus on other things and see where those avenues take you (not just in terms of finding someone but also in terms of achieving your own personal goals and growing as a person) - i've gone through the frustration phase and it gets tiresome - it's better to do other things and take your mind off of it

  8. #8
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    I've been enjoying being single, but it definitely helps that I have a ton of other single friends. I recommend to anyone who is missing being in a relationship finding people to hang out with who are in similar situations. While I occassionally miss having a boyfriend, most of the time I'm busy hanging out with my friends so I don't really feel like I'm missing out on anything.
    Taylor

    "Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one's values." - Atlas Shrugged

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by AznHisoka View Post
    It's 1 part of your life, but in my opinion having someone to love improves the overall joy and happiness of our life, out of everything in life. I see the relationship department as 90% of happiness and the rest as 10%. Of course I see friendships as not meaningful.
    Not trying to be overly critical but your outlook is borderline toxic. You cant depend on a relationship to supply that amount of happiness to your life. You have to be the one that supplies happiness to your relationship, not the opposite. I'm gonna assume you're joking about seeing friendships as not meaningful.

    I think a lot of people, especially while single, need to invest more time in figuring out who they are. Too many people concentrate so much on either trying to be who/what their friends would like them to be or who their parents would like them to be. Being single forces you to concentrate on yourself.
    "We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on those who would do us harm." -- George Orwell

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by and1grad View Post
    Not trying to be overly critical but your outlook is borderline toxic. You cant depend on a relationship to supply that amount of happiness to your life. You have to be the one that supplies happiness to your relationship, not the opposite. I'm gonna assume you're joking about seeing friendships as not meaningful.
    You are right. But give me a chance to clarify. I have a habit of being extreme, but there's a lot more depth to what I say. A relationship makes you happy, not in the sense it supplies you with joy, like a cook fulfills your hunger by cooking for you. Rather, it gives you a positive venue (of very few possible ones in life) for you to give happiness, love, and intimacy to someone else, and that in turn makes you happy....

    Which brings me to my point about friends, and I'm not really kidding. Do you really think friends give you that venue? Friends are quick to jump ship when they don't need you. So many ppl are quick to forget about you when it's convenient. You can give and give, and listen and listen, and be the best friend, but some people just don't reciprocate. It's not mean, it's natural, but most humans crave giving someone attention, and love, and friendship but are heartbroken when the other person doesn't reciprocate, or give them their share of attention (not in the egoistic sense, but just simply asking how they are doing)

    That's why I think relationships offer that chance to you, while friendships don't. Friendships have their place of course, but it doesn't fulfill the deep human need to connect with others more intimately, and the need to care about someone, and have that care reciprocated. You may say why even care about reciprocating - just love unconditionally - unfortunately our brains dun work that way, we're bound to feel bitter, and a sense of abandonment if that happens.
    Last edited by AznHisoka; 11-30-2010 at 05:46 PM.

  11. #11
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    I am truely sorry your friends are so fair-weather. Friendship of a deep sort though is lacking in our culture; it is so obvious when you read history and literature. I have had the joy of true frienship though, and it is indeed worthy of forming a great part of ones life. I also think the homophobia in our culture really impacts the way men venture into friendship, and that is unfortunate. Non-romantic touching is so limited in American culture, versus what I have seen in Latin, Chinese, Japanese, and even many European cultures. I do think our famous need for personal space does have a role in us feeling isolated.
    Last edited by Ezra Pippen; 11-30-2010 at 05:54 PM.

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by AznHisoka View Post
    Which brings me to my point about friends, and I'm not really kidding. Do you really think friends give you that venue? Friends are quick to jump ship when they don't need you. So many ppl are quick to forget about you when it's convenient. You can give and give, and listen and listen, and be the best friend, but some people just don't reciprocate. It's not mean, it's natural, but most humans crave giving someone attention, and love, and friendship but are heartbroken when the other person doesn't reciprocate, or give them their share of attention (not in the egoistic sense, but just simply asking how they are doing)

    That's why I think relationships offer that chance to you, while friendships don't. Friendships have their place of course, but it doesn't fulfill the deep human need to connect with others more intimately, and the need to care about someone, and have that care reciprocated. You may say why even care about reciprocating - just love unconditionally - unfortunately our brains dun work that way, we're bound to feel bitter, and a sense of abandonment if that happens.
    I, too, am sorry if this has been your experience with friendships. I couldn't live without my friends. Yes, some people are fair weather friends, but that's life. Not all friends should be long-term/lifelong friends. But some should and will. And even if they are short-term friends, they are people who are there for you in the moment.

    Similarly, not all romantic relationships are long-term/lifelong. Just because you are with someone romantically, it doesn't guarantee they will be there for you when you need them.

    People should have all different types of relationships in their life - friends, family, romantic relationships, acquaintances, etc. Some are going to be deeper and more impactful, but they are all important.
    Taylor

    "Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one's values." - Atlas Shrugged

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tayl405 View Post
    I, too, am sorry if this has been your experience with friendships. I couldn't live without my friends. Yes, some people are fair weather friends, but that's life. Not all friends should be long-term/lifelong friends. But some should and will. And even if they are short-term friends, they are people who are there for you in the moment.
    So what do you do if you're like me and you can't find a lot of friends at all?
    I've always been different, with one foot over the line
    Winding up somewhere one step ahead or behind
    It ain't been so easy, but I guess I shouldn't complain
    I've always been crazy, but it's kept me from going insane

    I've always been crazy, but it's kept me from going insane
    Nobody knows if it's something to bless or to blame
    So far, I ain't found a rhyme or a reason to change
    I've always been crazy, but it's kept me from going insane

    I've Always Been Crazy, Waylon Jennings (1978)

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by AznHisoka View Post
    Which brings me to my point about friends, and I'm not really kidding. Do you really think friends give you that venue? Friends are quick to jump ship when they don't need you.
    You've got some shitty friends, then.

    My friends are my rock. When I'm having a bad day, friends are there for you. When my friends are having a bad day, I'm there for them. You say that the value a romantic relationship gives is happiness, love, and intimacy. I will tell you right now that I get happiness, love, and intimacy from my closest male friends. Sure, its not a sexual kind of love and intimacy, but it still makes me happy. Friends are so important that there is a special place for them in your wedding (the wedding party). Having been in a wedding party, I can see how much support my friend needed in that time of great stress.

    Bros before hos (for guys).
    Chicks before dicks (for girls).

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by PenforPrez View Post
    So what do you do if you're like me and you can't find a lot of friends at all?
    This is probably a topic for a different thread, but finding friends is easier than you think. When you hang out with someone new enough times, all of the sudden you are friends. Its hard to explain how it happens, but it does.

    Try this. Go to a bar, preferably on a weekday. Order a beer and sit at the bar. Talk to the bartender (bartenders, by the way, are built-in friends. You've got a mutual reliance: you want beer, he wants to sell you beer. I've become real outside friends with many of my bartenders). When people see you talking to the bartender, they'll join in on the conversation too. Pick up on something that person says they have an interest in that you share, and expand on that. Before you know it, you're talking to the guy sitting next to you and the bartender walks away to make a drink for someone else. Now you've got a friend. You'll probably see that same guy at the bar next week at the same time.

    By the way, this tip works on girls, too. I've picked up several girls just by sitting at the bar and being friendly.

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