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  1. #16
    Quote Originally Posted by ugarachel82 View Post
    I think you're very right when it comes to chickening out and the stigma. I know that it's very difficult to actually meet someone from the interwebs, and when you do, it's not easy to admit to a relative stranger that you did meet that way. But how do we change that?
    I have a feeling the stigma will go away over time as more people meet online and build successful relationships from there. Right now, I think there's still an implication that only desperate freaks online date -- at least among older generations. (Most younger, tech-savvy people seem to have friends who've done it, so they usually don't have the same negative perception.)

    It would also help if people were more open about the fact that they online date. I've just said that I often lie when people ask how I met my boyfriend, so obviously I'm doing nothing to further the "cause." But if nice, normal people like us would just admit that we met online, then I think people wouldn't automatically assume that only losers do it. As it is now, there are a lot more stories like Gemma's than ones like ours, so I can't blame people for doubting it as a way to meet a suitable partner.

  2. #17
    Quote Originally Posted by DaneCA View Post
    But if nice, normal people like us would just admit that we met online, then I think people wouldn't automatically assume that only losers do it. As it is now, there are a lot more stories like Gemma's than ones like ours, so I can't blame people for doubting it as a way to meet a suitable partner.
    Ha. So true. I like to consider myself nice and normal, if there is such a thing.
    "I want to hold the whole wide world right here in my open hands/maybe I'm just a little girl/a little girl with great big plans." ~Mindy Gledhill, Whole Wide World



    "If you can't spot the crazy person on the bus, it's probably you." ~HIMYM, Season 6

    Yes, I blog...


    "Sometimes you have to wade through some shit to get to the good stuff." ~Tayl405

  3. #18
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Queens County, NY
    Posts
    1,529
    Why not share? The only way a stigma goes away is if people talk about it. It's why I'm open about my unconventional relationship, which even young people still confuse with "polygamy."

    I don't think many people in their 20s and 30s look down on online dating anyway. Older people, most of whom aren't on sites like OK Cupid, distrust the Internet because the media's whipped them up in a frenzy to convince them it's full of phishers, hackers, credit-card thieves, and occasionally, serial killers. (Just like the people of my grandparent's generation didn't trust Elvis or cable TV.) I bet a lot of them think dating sites are set up to take your credit card number and sell it to some guy halfway around the world hacking out of his basement, because they don't understand how it works.

    In truth, the Internet is pretty powerful stuff. It's what's creating most of the jobs. People who shy away from it because they fear a world of Ted Bundys and hackers are missing out. It's their loss.

  4. #19
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Not Baltimore, contrary to popular belief
    Posts
    11,781
    Quote Originally Posted by ugarachel82 View Post
    Learn to spell people, then message me.

    It's good you are composing thought provoking messages though. I do respond to every message that appears as though someone has thought about my profile and put just the slightest bit of effort into it.
    I'm the same way. I'm a Nazi for proper grammar and spelling, I freely admit it. I kin speel, and I'm looking for somebody who can do the same. Don't write me a message in text speak (the joke I want to tell here is very un-PC :rolleyes). I want to see vowels in messages! Vowels only cost $150 each on Wheel of Fortune! Bonus points if you can tell me a story. I'm a sucker for a story.

    The girl I'm seeing, she was the same way when she did online dating. She was telling me about looking for somebody with proper grammar and spelling. Looking for a guy who didn't live for sports, which is the general run of men where she lives. Points for me since my teams are 600 miles away.

    Paul
    I've always been different, with one foot over the line
    Winding up somewhere one step ahead or behind
    It ain't been so easy, but I guess I shouldn't complain
    I've always been crazy, but it's kept me from going insane

    I've always been crazy, but it's kept me from going insane
    Nobody knows if it's something to bless or to blame
    So far, I ain't found a rhyme or a reason to change
    I've always been crazy, but it's kept me from going insane

    I've Always Been Crazy, Waylon Jennings (1978)

  5. #20
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    California
    Posts
    1,319
    I can see why sometimes the messages that guys send out will degenerate into vague openings. Just as it gets very disheartening for a girl to read dozens of messages from creepy guys and ignore them all, its disheartening for a guy to do due diligence, read your profile, find something we have in common, write a thoughtful message, and get ignored. I find some profiles with girls that are very visually striking, have funny profiles, share many mutual interests (like their favorite movie is one of my favorites, yet very obscure!) which almost makes me fall in love with her instantly. Then I send the message and get no response. That's worse than approaching women in bars, because you already know a few things about her!

    So very disheartening to put effort into finding a good match and have nothing to show for it. I can see the value in taking the easy way out and just carpet-bombing the field and seeing which ones bite back.
    "Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard, take me back to the start"

  6. #21
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    KC
    Posts
    1,878
    Quote Originally Posted by gemma-dahl View Post
    When I was on OK Cupid, I got un-intelligble and harassing messages from men and teens in bulk, and it seemed that a small number of users were the repeat offenders, which makes sense. It was obvious they didn't check my profile, because a large proportion of them didn't match it I'd get nonsense from guys in different states, nowhere near me, still teenagers, and old enough to be my dad. I blocked as many of them as I could in chat. But, the only real way to get the spam to slow down was to stop logging on for weeks at a time. I understand that these people check to see who's signed on last and bombard other users with messages no matter what. It works about as well as mass-mailing resumes to positions for which you're unqualified, and it's easy to see how a good resume would get thrown out. By the end of my time on there, I was just doing mass deletes. Then I canceled my account.

    Yeah, I guess I could have lost out on cool people. On the other hand, wading through stuff like "He babby ur hott" or "Want 2 hang lol ur cool?" to find someone neat wasn't worth it. And reading the offers to see cock shots, and dealing with threats and put-downs using words like "b*tch," c*nt," and "whore," if I didn't respond immediately, because I obviously owe them attention, was pretty demoralizing and degrading.
    holy crap. I figured women got lots of emails, but I didn't know it was like this.

    jeez, what a bunch of morons. Which I have no problem with them being morons (more idiots out there increases my chances), until they act in a way that drives women away.
    "A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals"
    -Kay

  7. #22
    The other thing I notice about OKCupid is that when I do change my profile (which I try to do fairly often, about once a month) just to keep things fresh, I will get a shit ton of visitors (because the site lets me know who has visited) and no messages. Is this because my profile shows up in people's feeds and then someone clicks on it and doesn't like what they read? I will never know...just my two cents. Feel free to chime in with thoughts.
    "I want to hold the whole wide world right here in my open hands/maybe I'm just a little girl/a little girl with great big plans." ~Mindy Gledhill, Whole Wide World



    "If you can't spot the crazy person on the bus, it's probably you." ~HIMYM, Season 6

    Yes, I blog...


    "Sometimes you have to wade through some shit to get to the good stuff." ~Tayl405

  8. #23
    Quote Originally Posted by ugarachel82 View Post
    The other thing I notice about OKCupid is that when I do change my profile (which I try to do fairly often, about once a month) just to keep things fresh, I will get a shit ton of visitors (because the site lets me know who has visited) and no messages. Is this because my profile shows up in people's feeds and then someone clicks on it and doesn't like what they read? I will never know...just my two cents. Feel free to chime in with thoughts.
    I don't think it's just that they don't like what they see. I haven't been on OkCupid in a while, so I'm not totally clear on the details. When I was, though, I remember noticing that the profiles that showed up in my feed were the recently updated ones. Since I was never all that committed to online dating -- which is ironic, because my boyfriend and I are one of the very few couples I know personally that it's actually worked for -- I'd just look at those profiles. Sometimes I'd see a guy who intrigued me, and I'd plan on sending a message or something later in the day -- so as not to seem too eager, of course! Then I'd forget, or I'd chicken out. I'm sure guys did that with me, too, so I tried not to take it personally when someone looked at my profile but didn't contact me.

    I think with online dating, just like with real-life dating, there's SUCH a big difference between how committed people are to it. Some do it just to see who's out there. They're open to meeting someone, but they don't necessarily expect it to work out. Then there are people who are really excited about it and put in a lot of effort toward meeting someone. It's difficult for the latter, because they're often more invested than the former category.

  9. #24
    I've been looking around the internet for scams and complaints on dating sites. There are a lot of them apparently. I found a place that talked about OKCupid. There are a lot of people there that have been scammed or spammed by pretenders. Apparently Match.com has been giving people problems as well.

    Just a random thought I should let you all know type of thought.

    All the more reason for me to avoid these sites I guess.

  10. #25
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    900
    How was your OKCupid date Telemachus?

  11. #26
    Join Date
    Dec 2001
    Location
    The Oregon Trail
    Posts
    42,345
    Quote Originally Posted by ugarachel82 View Post
    The other thing I notice about OKCupid is that when I do change my profile (which I try to do fairly often, about once a month) just to keep things fresh, I will get a shit ton of visitors (because the site lets me know who has visited) and no messages. Is this because my profile shows up in people's feeds and then someone clicks on it and doesn't like what they read? I will never know...just my two cents. Feel free to chime in with thoughts.
    It has been years and years since I did online dating, but at that time, recently updated profiles would be filtered to the top on searches. So you naturally get more views from people who just go down the line when you frequently update. Doesn't mean anything turned anybody off if you have lots of views and don't hear from them, in this instance...just means that lots of people always look at whatever floats to the top, out of curiosity.

    And don't forget that a lot of people just browse with no intent whatsoever of contacting anybody. They're just curious.
    "Even when I've f*&%ed up, I've spun it into a learning experience that's brought me to bigger and better things."

  12. #27
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    California
    Posts
    1,319
    Quote Originally Posted by Mini14 View Post
    How was your OKCupid date Telemachus?
    Not bad. We met up at a bar for a drink. Made plans to meet up later this week, probably Friday, for a movie. She seemed nice, but I didn't really feel a click right away, but I think its only fair to give it a few dates.
    "Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard, take me back to the start"

  13. #28
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    Boston
    Posts
    944
    The problem that I can see with online dating site is the small selection of women vs the large selection of men. I can go online once a month and find maybe 4 girls ( if I'm lucky, I usually don't find any) that meet my criteria and chances are that they won't respond to my email anyways. On the other hand, my female friend can find more guys who email her than she can can schedule dates within a week and this includes the fact that she's only into asians who happens to make a lot of money. This is my observation with online dating.
    The world is not enough.

  14. #29
    Quote Originally Posted by wordsmith View Post

    And don't forget that a lot of people just browse with no intent whatsoever of contacting anybody. They're just curious.
    That's what I keep thinking too. There are hundreds of people on these sites that are there just to look. I think.
    "I want to hold the whole wide world right here in my open hands/maybe I'm just a little girl/a little girl with great big plans." ~Mindy Gledhill, Whole Wide World



    "If you can't spot the crazy person on the bus, it's probably you." ~HIMYM, Season 6

    Yes, I blog...


    "Sometimes you have to wade through some shit to get to the good stuff." ~Tayl405

  15. #30
    Quote Originally Posted by AsianGeek View Post
    The problem that I can see with online dating site is the small selection of women vs the large selection of men. I can go online once a month and find maybe 4 girls ( if I'm lucky, I usually don't find any) that meet my criteria and chances are that they won't respond to my email anyways. On the other hand, my female friend can find more guys who email her than she can can schedule dates within a week and this includes the fact that she's only into asians who happens to make a lot of money. This is my observation with online dating.
    Exactly. Great way to sum up some of the major problems with online dating for guys.

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