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  1. #1

    Bride/groom won't pay for anything?!

    This is somewhat of a rant, but I'm also curious if anyone else has encountered this scenario. I'm a bridesmaid in a wedding that's in two weeks. The bridesmaids all were required to purchase $80 dresses and silver dress shoes (not too many opportunities to reuse those). So on the wedding attire alone (throw in a pair of nice earrings and a necklace) we've all had to shell out around $140 or so. Additionally, there was a bridal shower which we were all expected to attend and purchase a gift. Then there was a bachelorette party in which the bride and M.O.H got angry that I didn't chip in to buy the bride multiple $8 drinks.

    So...fast forward to now. After shelling about all this money for the wedding, I receive the invitation in the mail, and it's a "Dutch treat event" following the wedding at a steakhouse!! They can't even buy us a platter of finger foods for the reception. As for the rehearsal dinner, well they didn't want to pay for our food for that either, so the maid of honor is ordering pizza for everyone on her dime. They have to be the biggest cheapskates I've ever met. It would be different if they didn't have to money or just didn't want to spend it.

    Then when I log into facebook I get to see where the groom just bought himself and the bride new 4 wheelers, a new laptop for her, and a new car for her. I'm really ticked off right now. I wish I could go back in time and decline being a bridesmaid!

  2. #2
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    It's even better when the bridesmaid dress cost is coupled with a destination wedding halfway across the country; I knew a bride that did this and then she got cold feet and called the whole thing off. About $1000 down the crapper for each bridesmaid when you include non-refundable plane tickets.
    Last edited by Bocheezu; 03-12-2012 at 03:50 PM.

  3. #3
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    I’m not one to expect the bride and groom to take care of my attire (at my brother’s wedding, we all paid for our own tuxes), but I’m a little curious about the “dutch” reception. Never heard of that before, and I’ve attended some of the worst weddings by some of the cheapest/brokest (sp?) people I know. I’d have an issue with that, but would probably still go and talk behind their back until I got enough liquid courage in me to make a sarcastic comment. I might also consider not getting them a gift.

    I was curious, so looked it up, and found that this practice is highly frowned upon:

    http://invitations.lifetips.com/faq/...rty/index.html

    http://www.topweddingquestions.com/t...s-dutch-treat/


    In fact, 75% of the results of search were about weddings in the Netherlands, so it really doesn’t even seem to be a common topic.



    As an aside, I don’t think that you can count earrings and a necklace as part of the “clothing cost”. I assume they aren’t required and instead are your idea, and unlike the dress they can be worn infinite times after the wedding.
    Last edited by KCboy; 03-13-2012 at 09:59 AM.
    "A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals"
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  4. #4
    Being in a wedding *is* an expensive commitment. I wouldn't expect the bride/groom to help with your attire cost, since those are items you keep (whether you wear them again or not), after the wedding. And yeah, from what I understand it's sort of the "norm" to have the MOH/bridesmaids treat the bride at the bachelorette party. So I could see the MOH getting upset if bridesmaids didn't chip in, since you can bet it was her picking up the tab at the end of the night. However I think it would be in poor taste to have the bride absolutely expect that kind of treatment.

    I've never heard of a Dutch treat thing, and not paying for a rehearsal dinner? That's just so inconsiderate. From the weddings I've been in, the rehearsal has been a nice sit-down where you can speak with people more casually, and hand out gifts to the people in your bridal party and thank them for all the help to make the event happen. That MOH must really be close to the bride to be shelling out so much of her own cash. I sure hope the couple appreciates everything that's being done.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by elebelle View Post
    Being in a wedding *is* an expensive commitment. I wouldn't expect the bride/groom to help with your attire cost, since those are items you keep (whether you wear them again or not), after the wedding. And yeah, from what I understand it's sort of the "norm" to have the MOH/bridesmaids treat the bride at the bachelorette party. So I could see the MOH getting upset if bridesmaids didn't chip in, since you can bet it was her picking up the tab at the end of the night. However I think it would be in poor taste to have the bride absolutely expect that kind of treatment.

    I've never heard of a Dutch treat thing, and not paying for a rehearsal dinner? That's just so inconsiderate. From the weddings I've been in, the rehearsal has been a nice sit-down where you can speak with people more casually, and hand out gifts to the people in your bridal party and thank them for all the help to make the event happen. That MOH must really be close to the bride to be shelling out so much of her own cash. I sure hope the couple appreciates everything that's being done.
    I agree with these thoughts entirely, especially as someone who has been stiffed in the past as a MOH.

    I do think the whole "Dutch treat" thing is completely odd along w/ not paying for the rehearsal.

  6. #6
    I forgot to mention in the original post, the groomsmen were originally supposed to wear tuxes but supposedly couldn't afford them so the groom decided they could just wear polos and khakis, and he and the bride paid for the polos for all of the groomsmen! Still nothing on our attire .I expected to pay for my own attire, I guess I really meant that since we are expected to keep paying out for things, they could at least do SOMETHING, like send a thank you card for the gifts. But that won't happen.

  7. #7
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    When you agree to be a bridesmaid, you tacitly agree to the reality that there will be various expenditures for attire, hosting parties/showers, gifts, etc.

    That said, it's generally poor form to charge people to attend your reception and rehearsal dinner. If you're going to have a formal enough wedding that you have a full wedding party and are holding a rehearsal dinner, you build it into your wedding budget to pay for such things. Tacky.
    "Even when I've f*&%ed up, I've spun it into a learning experience that's brought me to bigger and better things."

  8. #8
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    Also to the OP:

    Wedding aside, haven't you been having issues with this "friend" for awhile now?

    I would suck it up and follow through with the rest of the wedding crap, but after that, just cut my losses and move on from this "friend" and her related drama.

    Call it growing up and not having anything in common anymore .

  9. #9
    Totally agree that paying for you own clothing is to be expected (and it sounds like the dresses were actually fairly inexpensive, so consider yourself fortunate!). Not paying for any form of rehearsal dinner and a "dutch" wedding reception is a little tacky, IMO. I've been to receptions for couples that were having money issues, and they decided to stick with appetizers and cake to cut costs...but never the "dutch" thing.
    "Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds"

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  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by wordsmith View Post

    That said, it's generally poor form to charge people to attend your reception and rehearsal dinner. If you're going to have a formal enough wedding that you have a full wedding party and are holding a rehearsal dinner, you build it into your wedding budget to pay for such things. Tacky.
    I agree. I have been to such a wedding (well, two such "re-weddings" where the couple got married at the courthouse and then wanted a religious ceremony), and I honestly find it very inconsiderate.
    ~Erika~

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bocheezu View Post
    It's even better when the bridesmaid dress cost is coupled with a destination wedding halfway across the country; I knew a bride that did this and then she got cold feet and called the whole thing off. About $1000 down the crapper for each bridesmaid when you include non-refundable plane tickets.
    Slightly off-topic, but I would say kudos to her. It can be insanely difficult to make the right decision (not marrying the wrong person) when you have to worry about upsetting all the people who have already paid money to attend your wedding by cancelling it.

    The last thing anyone needs is to go through with a wedding because of some sense of responsibility to those who spent money.

    I was stuck in a similar situation, buying expensive plane tickets for a destination wedding, when my friend the groom cancelled the wedding and broke it off with the bride. All of my friends who had already bought non-refundable tickets decided to make a vacation out of it instead, and we had a good time.
    "Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard, take me back to the start"

  12. #12
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    I have a lot of family and some friends in the NY tri-state and the DC corridor, and so most of the weddings I've attended have been the expensive-plate, East-Coast-style affairs. So take what I say with that in mind, because in my current city, weddings are more modest and simple park pavillions and firehalls rule the day and it varies so much by region. Either way, I think it's pretty rude to ask people to shell out tons of cash on you...gifts, parties, etc....and then also ask them to pay for your own reception food. Technically, according to American wedding etiquette lore, bridesmades are under no obligation to supply anything toward the wedding other than their time and assisting the bride on her wedding day. (I thought that was interesting.) Currently, most brides will ask you to pay for the dress, though technically, this is not required and I guess you always have to consider if committing to being a bridesmaid is in your budget and take it case-by-case. Paying for the luncheon, shower, bachelorette party, etc., is not required at all, though. You can gracefully decline to attend pre-wedding events if you're expected to shell out beyond your means, and it's totally polite to do so.

    My fiancee and I are getting married in a little less than eight weeks. Our actual marriage is going to be private, but for the reception, we're doing a night out at our favorite nightclub here in town. Besides us being slackers and hating planning things, the other reason we are doing it this way is because we wanted the money that would go toward a wedding to go to other things. I'd feel bad asking anyone to spend anything on us because we're not providing much for them.

    Re: Canceling, I agree that it's a good idea to call off a wedding if you're not feeling the marriage, but it's my personal opinion that the bride AND groom should also give their friends some token of acknowledgment even a card is fine for the money spent, time taken off work, etc. It's not an exact analogy, but my family and I have distanced ourselves from a certain cousin because she had a super-fancy, super-expensive wedding, and after we took the time and spent quite a bit of money for her and her husband, and she didn't even talk to us at the wedding or send a thank-you card. (Oh, and my family took photos for her as well...dumb move on our part.) In the end, we'd rather not have been invited or maybe we just shouldn't have gone.
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