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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Location
    SC
    Posts
    8

    the newness has worn off....

    Well, my boyfriend and I have been dating for exactly one year and one month today. The relationship is wonderful.... but what happens when the newness wears off? Do you turn into a married couple that has no more romance or does it stay the same and for how long? I have been giving my boyfriend such a hard time about not showing me that he loves me. I mean, two people have said that when they see us it does not look like the magnificance of love flows in both directions. I know that he loves me just as much..... but I guess others just do not see it. My best friend doesn't even think that he is the right one for me. I know that he and I know that that is all that matters. I love him truly and deeply and I know that we are going to be together forever. Doesn't one just know when he is the right person? I knew from the time I met him. Love is great.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb 2002
    Location
    United States
    Posts
    1,146
    When the newness wears off, you have to find ways of keeping it new. Whether that be little notes, special looks, flowers, candy, dinners, quiet time alone, words of encouragement, etc. that's up to you.

    If it doesn't bother you that others don't see that you're in love ("I know that he and I know that that is all that matters. I love him truly and deeply and I know that we are going to be together forever")...why are you giving your boyfriend such a hard time about not showing you that he loves you? I'm not attacking you, but you seem to contradict yourself in the post and that makes me curious...

    Everyone has their own ways of showing love...some are more obvious than others. Think about whether he does anything nice for you - whether it be with physical objects (flowers?), compliments, or encouragement. If he constantly puts you down or never does anything nice in return for what you do for him, I'd say perhaps there isn't a balance in the relationship (if he's always putting you down, that's a warning sign of an unhealthy relationship).

    Whether any of the things he does or doesn't do means lack of love is something you'll have to determine. It depends on your definition of what it means for someone to show they love you (saying it or showing you in other ways).

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Location
    Lexington Park, MD
    Posts
    25
    Phoenix has some good points here. When you really care about someone, it's tempting to go through the relationship without really evaluating it. You justify this to yourself by saying things like "you've got to take the good with the bad." This isn't a good way to go. It's only sensible to evaluate the relationship from time to time. Just don't make a career out of it. And remember, different people show their love in different ways. Don't assume that a guy who doesn't bring you flowers or write you notes doesn't love you. He may just have a different way of showing it. Avoid the "cosmo" theory of love. It's total bs. There's no magic list of things to look for. By the same token though, don't ignore the comments that your friends and family make about your significant other. There's a chance that they see a few things that you don't because their involvement is not as immediate as your own. If you ignore these comments, and the comments are accurate, you may end up paying for it later.

    As to the effect of time--psychologists like to talk about there being phases or stages in a relationship. The one you hear the most about is the "build-up" or "honeymoon" stage. Eventually, the fire does wear off. The honeymoon does end. At that point, if you stay in the relationship, you do it for one of two reasons: you are committed not only to the person, but to the relationship itself, or you are unwilling to forsake sunk costs (i.e you feel that you've made an investment in time and emotion, and although you feel that the return on that investment is no longer sufficient, you decide to throw good money after bad b/c you don't want to feel that you've wasted your start-up costs. People tend to stay with what is familiar, even if what is familiar isn't what makes them happy). It's important to recognize that the end of this "honeymoon" period isn't necessarily a bad thing. It can be, but it doesn't have to be. Long-term relationships can't be static. People change. If they are going to stay together, their relationships have to change too. When one or both partners change, but the relationship can no longer be adjusted to compensate, it usually ends. Hence the saying "sometimes love just isn't enough." I spent six years of my life with the same woman. After the first year or two, I started to feel like the relationship was more of a "best friendship" than a "romance." I felt that this was understandable and I wasn't uncomfortable with it. I think the honeymoon period lasted a little longer for my ex than it did for me and I think that, when it ended for her, she was uncomfortable with the "best friendship" feeling. In retrospect, I think that her conception of love was a bit more idealized than mine and that this may have accounted for some of her discomfort. (This is what I was getting at with my cosmo comment earlier). I also think that women tend to compartmentalize people more than men do (emotionally speaking). I saw a comedy routine on cable where the performer talked about ending up in a girl's "friend category" being the sexual equivalent of crossing the event horizon of a black hole. He followed this by saying that men don't have any real female friends, just women they haven't slept with yet. This may be a crude way of putting it, but I think it conveys my point. But don't take my word for all this. Try chatting with some older friends who've had long successful marriages. I think you'll find that they'll make similar comments. Good Luck.
    G

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Location
    SC
    Posts
    8
    Well...yall....the newness is back. Not sure if it is the newness or just our love for one another. We both just seemed to be in a rut.... not in our relationship..but in life. I sometimes find myself in that hole a lot. Thank goodness for medication! haha! What I meant when i said that we both knew that we loved each other but others seemed to chime in with their own opinion was that ...... I knew all a long that he loved (loves) me, he just did not show it very often. And now I know that he does express it in a different way. I am really past that now though. I do not want to dwell on little things like that and waste our time together talking about that or trying to change him. He is my best friend, my true love, my 'partner in crime', my soul mate.... my everything. Oh, what a wonderful thing it is to be young and in love. It feels as though it will always be like this. You have to understand.... we do not fight. We may have our little disagreement at time, but we are perfect for each other. That's all I really need to say. We are perfect for each other... we are soul mates.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Denver Colorado
    Posts
    296

    Thumbs up That is great

    That is really great somuchmore, I hope it stays like that forever for you two. May we all be so lucky.....
    By Endurance We Conquer

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Warner Robins, GA
    Posts
    11

    to "somuchmore"

    Haha, good name baby....... Where did that come from though? I love you too sweet-heart, very much I do.

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