Unable to be Alone

[DaneCA]

Hey, guys. This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately and I wasn’t going to discuss it here because I realize it makes me sound unhealthy and insecure, but I'm hoping for some outside perspective.

I’m worried that I’ve become a person who’s incapable of not being in a relationship. Or not necessarily a relationship, but I just need a guy in my life, whether it’s a boyfriend, someone I’m dating or a friend with benefits. And what really bothers me is that I haven’t always been this way. Up until a couple of years ago, I was pretty happy being single. I had a long-term boyfriend and I sometimes dated other guys when we temporarily broke up, but I was OK when I didn’t have anyone, just as I was happy when I did. Now, though, I fear I’ve become a serial overlapper, just so I won’t have to deal with being 100% single.

Admittedly, this is partly insecurity. I really enjoy feeling wanted, and I like the affection and attention I get from a guy. And maybe it’s also boredom? I was definitely more focused on friends when I was in college so I didn’t ever feel lonely. I do now, though, and I haven’t even been totally single for more than four weeks in, like, two and a half years. Recently, I’ve been seeing my ex-boyfriend again (not the one I briefly reunited with a few weeks ago), against my better judgment and against the advice of most of my close friends. Things are going really well and I’m happy with him for the time being, but deep down, I know he isn’t the guy I want to be with for good, and I can’t forget that some aspects of our relationship were pretty bad last time around. And yet, I can’t seem to let go.

I don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t really think attempting to go “cold turkey” is realistic. I’ll just meet someone new and continue the cycle. Maybe I should try therapy? Is this a common problem?

[PosterNutbag]

Dane,

Not sure what to tell you here...but I could be your "friend with benefits."idea:

[vinsanity]

hey I'm closer


But yeah, I know how you feel, and it sucks to feel that way. With me, I think it's a boredom issue. I enjoy having someone around to do stuff with, and I hate feeling needy when I don't have that.

[KCboy]

This is extremely common. Even my boss, who is as level-headed, smart, and classy as anyone I know, I’ve noticed that he goes quickly into new relationships. He’s already been divorced twice, and a couple months after his last divorce he was on track for another serious relationship.

I am exactly like you. I stick with a relationship that I know won’t last, but keep my eyes open. Its incredibly selfish, I know.

I think, for me, its boredom. A lot of friends have moved away since college, and its nice knowing that I will typically have someone to do things with on the weekends when friends have other plans, rather than mope about how bored/lonely I am. I notice that when I have a busy social schedule, I don’t think the same way and it’s a lot easier to let go of the person. But one can only keep their schedule full for so long (especially with lack of fundage).

Its also really nice to have someone to text and share random thoughts with. I am a notorious texter, and random thought generator. Before having the ability to text someone consistently, I talked to myself

Regular sex is always nice too.

[yogaflame13]

I know it's cliched advice, but you should take some time for yourself; revisit hobbies and interests that you have been neglecting, track down old friends, family, other people like that to spend your time with. Keep yourself really busy. That's what conventional wisdom says. :P

A lot of people have the same issue with being alone, I'm sure, especially as you get older and all that lovely stuff.

It really is better to be in no relationship than a bad one, IMO. Why do you feel like you can't be alone? What was your rationale for tracking down your ex? Were you horny, bored, what? Especially since you just said he isn't someone you can see yourself being with, I would examine the mechanics behind that decision, to start with. I mean, if you just aren't looking for something long term and just wanted a roll in the hay or whatever, than, fine I see your point lol. But it sounded like you kinda wanted more of a relationship with a future?

Sorry to hear you are feeling bad, this relationship stuff is hard.

[PosterNutbag]

But on a serious note...i agree with Yogaflame. Keep busy. The more down time that you have the more you will think about how "alone" you are. Concenrate on your job/work/career during the day and maybe find a hobby or go to the gym after work. Then maybe your situation will change simply b/c you are not so focused on the issue at hand.

If you just want to have some sex...that would probably be pretty easy considering you are a girl. Just go out someplace like a bar/club and find someone physically appealing and flat out offer to them that you want them to come home with you. It would work...trust me. Maybe not from a guy's standpoint, but women can get laid if they really want to.

[KCboy]

Originally Posted by PosterNutbag

If you just want to have some sex...that would probably be pretty easy considering you are a girl. Just go out someplace like a bar/club and find someone physically appealing and flat out offer to them that you want them to come home with you. It would work...trust me. Maybe not from a guy's standpoint, but women can get laid if they really want to.

while its more of an option for women than men, many women don't like the idea of sleeping with some random guy just to get laid.

[Samwell]

Originally Posted by DaneCA

I was definitely more focused on friends when I was in college so I didn’t ever feel lonely. I do now, though, and I haven’t even been totally single for more than four weeks in, like, two and a half years.

Seems like this is only a problem if it's negatively impacting your life. If your constant need to have a guy in your life satisfies the more the superficial needs (attention, affection, distraction) yet leaves you feeling lonely then it may well meet that definition. It's also a lil' red flag to me that you dismiss the "cold turkey" option so fatalistically. That and your re-connecting with the ex despite your own "better judgment" makes the behavior sound just a wee bit out of your control... which is never a good thing.

I think this self examination is definitely a good thing, and that talking to a professional about it couldn't hurt.



Then again, who knows… I lean towards the opposite extreme to a sometimes worrying degree (a little too comfortable on my own). Maybe these are problems that solve themselves once you meet the “right” person…

[KCboy]

Originally Posted by Samwell

Maybe these are problems that solve themselves once you meet the “right” person…

I'm not sure I've ever seen a problem solve itself by finding "the right person"

[Samwell]

I have.

Admittedly not that often...

[Tayl405]

While I am comfortable being single, I will admit that I like having a guy in my life. Not necessarily a serious relationship, but it's fun to have a guy around. I would only get worried if I felt like I was doing it because I was avoiding being alone. Do you feel like you are afraid of being alone?

[DaneCA]

Thanks for your responses, everyone - especially PosterNutbag and Vinsanity. That was very ... helpful. I'll keep you guys in mind.

Anyway, Taylor, I don't think I'm afraid of being alone. I'm pretty self-sufficient and I've typically dated guys who have a lot going on in their own lives, so I've had to be really independent even when in a serious relationship. And it's not because I need sex. I have, um, other options for that. It probably has more to do with boredom which, while not the greatest reason to date someone, isn't exactly unhealthy, although it is selfish. Like you said, KCboy, it's nice to have someone to spend your weekends with, especially since a lot of my friends are in serious relationships or aren't around much for various other reasons.

Samwell - I guess I could try going "cold turkey." I only dismissed that idea because I've tried it in the past and it didn't really stick. I was single for a few weeks, then I got bored and started dating again. But I've never really thought I had a problem until recently, so maybe it's worth trying again.

Yogaflame13 - I didn't contact my ex because I hoped to get back together with him. I had to give him something (not a gift), and he suggested we meet up. I probably should have guessed what his motives were when he suggested dinner and drinks, and told me he'd been thinking about me. But I honestly went into it thinking I was over him. That didn't turn out to be the case, though, and since we're both single and have a great connection, I let things start up again, although we're taking it slow and aren't committed.

Like you said, Samwell, this is only a problem if it negatively affects my life, which I wouldn't say it does, besides the obvious hurt that's caused by any failed relationship. I don't like the idea, though, that by constantly being in a relationship (of some sort) and putting on the blinders I get when I'm really into a guy, I'm passing up the opportunity to be with someone who's even better for me.

[KCboy]

Originally Posted by DaneCA

And it's not because I need sex. I have, um, other options for that.

"other options" don't whisper in your ear or pull your hair.

[vinsanity]

Well at least it sounds like you can almost just go and date guys whenever you want. Lots of people don't have those kinds of choices available to them.

[DaneCA]

Originally Posted by KCboy

"other options" don't whisper in your ear or pull your hair.

Mine do.

Just kidding. I thought about mentioning that my "other options" weren't battery-operated, but I felt like that might be TMI! I meant something more along the lines of a friend with benefits.