any perfectionists out there?

[Helena]

I believe that I am a wicked perfectionist, that I've got to have everything in my life perfect and under control, and I think that is what has contributed to my depression and feeling stuck. I am 28 years old, and Ever since graduating from high school ten years ago, I have worked at over a dozen jobs, quitting each one, feeling that each job was going nowhere and then searching for the next job. I joined groups and organizations, only to quit after a short time because I was so afraid of doing something "wrong" I wouldn't contribute anything, I would set up goals in life, only to ditch them later on then create a whole set of new goals to reach, I've ended relatioinships with people because I thought they wouldn't like me if they knew the 'real me' i.e. less than perfect.

And now, at the age of 28, I find myself living at home, working at a job that pays $8 an hour, unable to save up alot of money, only 1 close friendship, and I am extremely lonely. I have a hard time sleeping at night, I'm anxious before going to work in the morning because I'm afraid of making mistakes, I come home from work exhausted because I spend so much time making sure nobody sees how angry I am, and generally find life dull and uninspiring. I have joined a group at church, but sometimes find it difficult to go because I don't know what to say, so I don't say anything and don't contribut anything, and then feel guilty.

My mind is constantly filled with 'should have's' and 'could have's': I should be living on my own, I should have a boyfriend by now, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Do any of you suffer like this as well, and what do you do to get rid of your perfectionistic traits?

[pisces2473]

Helena,

Where in CT are you???

Some of the things you're discussing below I've done or been through. I'll quit things when I'm not having "fun" (usually because I haven't met anyone to chat with). I try not to give up too easily, but it's hard when you think nothing's going to come of it. I have been in therapy since I was 19 (I'm 23) and it helps me to understand myself and to let myself know that sometimes I need to be a perfectionist (like when I'm driving) and sometimes it's okay to goof a little (like folding my towels). I'm more obsessive/compulsive than perfectionist, but I don't have OCD.

Take care!

[sunbear]

Hi Helena,
I could really relate to your post but not on the perfectionist scale. I was just recently let go from my old job, yes the external scrutiny made me anxious and sleepless. I've been on Paxil for a while. I've busted my chops to get through a 4 year university and right now the job mkt is tight, I'm turning 28 next week. I get extremely angry and the less I can control, the tighter I hold to my negative emotions. Talking it out helps a lot, even writing an improv diary can help a lot.
A bird (metaphorically) really explained to me that I had to push away the pressures at work when I'm not there. They don't pay us when we're off, they don't need to be in our heads anymore.
And mounds of bills, including the ones I'm not always able to pay doesn't help either, but he was 100% right.
I also found out that getting a healthy distraction tends to really help. I enjoy seeing cute dogs and reading/hearing good humor.
Being a "type a" person has really good qualities, usually the most sincere and effective kind of worker. The question really is not how to get rid of those good traits, however how to manage them.

"I know I have a soft heart, but knowing that , I try not to let it get me into trouble."-Ronald Reagan, A Farewell Conversation, CNN Broadcast

[dakotagopher]

I was hyper perfectionist for years, totally stressed out about it and unhappy, as you seem to be. Try not to be so hard on your self, take one day at a time and try to enjoy yourself. What ultimately got me out of my dumb cycle (this is so dumb, but looking back this was the key) was a girlfriend I had in college who once told me, as i was all pissed off about some dumb thing that had happened:

"If this is the worst thing that ever happens to you, you're going to have a pretty easy life."

Her not so sublte reality check does put everythign in context.

I still, at 28, remain somethign of a perfectionist, and do not suffer fools, apathy or incompetence, but I'm a lot more comfortable with myself and the regular and frequent "failures" that life throws your way. I'd say now i'm more hyper-competitive than hyper-perfectionist. If that makes sense.

Hope that helps.

[Sameboat]

Hi Helena and all,

Your post helped me to realize that I am somewhat the same way. Being that my Mom is a perfectionist, I guess it runs in the family. After reading that perfectionist post it made me realize I need to quit worrying and I'm trying to change my behaviors. Thanks for the post Helena, it has changed me somehow.

[lulu1111]

I completely understand your situation, I grew up with insanely crazy and perfectionistic parents which in turn made me crazy and a semi-perfectionist. I try not to revert back to my pre-adolescent ways but they always seem to get the best of me. The only thing I've found that really helps is to take things/situations in context, i.e. I mean, does it really matter all the much if your handwriting is slanted or do you absolutely need to start all over and line your sheets of paper before writing a thank you note.....? Besides the fact is I don't like my parents all the much and in no way want to emulate them, so acting like an obessive-complusive-narotic will not make my life any easier, happier or more livable.

I guess the short version of this reply is to really examine your motives for perfection, granted there are always times when perfectionism is good but realize when it becomes a serious deteriment.

[Sameboat]

Perfectionism can really stop you from doing things. It does that to me once in a while where I'll think OK I know I can do this but I want to do it well it has to be perfect and then I 'll just be stuck, not able to move forward.

[midlifestrife]

Originally posted by Sameboat
Perfectionism can really stop you from doing things. It does that to me once in a while where I'll think OK I know I can do this but I want to do it well it has to be perfect and then I 'll just be stuck, not able to move forward.

I use to be like this.

Then one day I came to a realization and finally learned that you cannot be perfect-- you can only do your best.