Just can't relax when it comes to dating.....

[JamieMarie]

I'm stressed!!! A few months ago I put myself on eharmony. (I'm an elementary teacher and there are really no single men at an elementary school!!!). I got matched up with a guy that I think/thought seemed perfect for me and maybe he is. The problem is, is that I can't seem to relax and not over analyze everything. I can't seem to enjoy the fact that I had a decent date and just take it for what it is and not what it could be. I think I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to meet "the one" especially since most of my friends have. I worry about giving up my independence, because there are still a lot of things I want to do, and worry that I can't do these things if I have a boyfriend. I want to have a relationship and I want to be content with my life.

-Does anyone else ever stress themselves out/worry so much about the future? Finding the one?

-How do you relieve the stress? Anxiety?

-How do you just enjoy the moment?

Thanks for your help and advice!

[Tayl405]

I am the worst over-analyzer, about everything. I always have been. Luckily my girlfriends are the same way, so we can do it together. The best thing for me to not let a situation get too into my head is to keep busy. As long as I'm distracted I forget about whatever is eating at me. I'm not worried about finding "the one" but I will pick apart all kinds of situations. It's awful and I don't always know how to stop! But yeah, I just try to stay busy...

[Ed0214]

This may not be practical advice, but I think you need to realize that the "pressure to pair up" is coming from society, family, etc. and not yourself. Just live your life and do things on your schedule. If your friends are all paired up, if mom keeps pestering you for grandkids yesterday, so what? They aren't living your life. Do those things when you're ready, on your terms.

If this guy is "the one" it will probably just play out that way. No need to be continually second-guessing yourself or running down some mental "perfect match" checklist when you're out with him.

Many of the relationships/marriages I've seen end up in divorce or nasty breakups originated when one person of the couple felt like they were "missing out" or "racing against the clock" and felt the need to settle for someone just for the sake of doing it.

[Peter Trump]

I've been on a few dates since college, but I haven't had a serious relationship since graduation. This doesn't bother me one bit either.

My personal goals take top priority in my life and I don't care about any social or family pressure to pair up. The beauty of being an adult and living on your own is you are FREE. You don't have to "fit in" or follow every rule your parents make. I love the freedom and I'm enjoying it.

I don't see the big rush to pair up either. I think your 20's should be a time to have fun, travel and date around. I don't see dates as auditions for a husband/wife role. I just enjoy meeting new people.

I'm not sure how to help you on this because I can't tell you what to feel or what to want. But if you live in a highly populated area then you will meet lots of people so their is no need to take every date so seriously. If you can't have FUN then whats the point?

[AznHisoka]

Do things that make you get outta your head. Like sports. games. watching a play together. Stuff that doesn't require much talking. Get outta your head. Work on some hobby together. Volunteer together. Get outta your head.. during dates and outside of dates.

[Rage]

Originally Posted by Peter Trump

I've been on a few dates since college, but I haven't had a serious relationship since graduation. This doesn't bother me one bit either.

My personal goals take top priority in my life and I don't care about any social or family pressure to pair up. The beauty of being an adult and living on your own is you are FREE. You don't have to "fit in" or follow every rule your parents make. I love the freedom and I'm enjoying it.

I don't see the big rush to pair up either. I think your 20's should be a time to have fun, travel and date around. I don't see dates as auditions for a husband/wife role. I just enjoy meeting new people.

I'm not sure how to help you on this because I can't tell you what to feel or what to want. But if you live in a highly populated area then you will meet lots of people so their is no need to take every date so seriously. If you can't have FUN then whats the point?

That being said, I think if you meet the right person, you shouldn't avoid commitment for the reasons mentioned above. I know a bunch of people now who regret doing that as they hit 30 and are having trouble finding quality people to date seriously. Just playing devil's advocate ...

I recommend you just take each date at a time. Even if this guy is the one, your eagerness could scare him off. Unfortunately, that can be sometimes part of the game even if both people are really into eachother. I'm not saying to pretend disinterest, but if you're talking about the big family you're going to have when you get married and it's only the third date I'd be a little weirded out personally.

Just think about the great time you're going to have on the next date, and keep things simple. If it's meant to be it will happen. If it's not, it won't because even if you will it, it takes two.

Good luck.

[J-girl]

Originally Posted by Ed0214

This may not be practical advice, but I think you need to realize that the "pressure to pair up" is coming from society, family, etc. and not yourself. Just live your life and do things on your schedule. If your friends are all paired up, if mom keeps pestering you for grandkids yesterday, so what? They aren't living your life. Do those things when you're ready, on your terms.

If this guy is "the one" it will probably just play out that way. No need to be continually second-guessing yourself or running down some mental "perfect match" checklist when you're out with him.

Many of the relationships/marriages I've seen end up in divorce or nasty breakups originated when one person of the couple felt like they were "missing out" or "racing against the clock" and felt the need to settle for someone just for the sake of doing it.

I agree with that. I have realised that having that stupid pressure from family/society etc RUINS relationships. Just go out there and have fun and do not think about the future just enjoy the present. Imagine you are out on dinner with a fun girlfriend.

[AznHisoka]

Just stop thinking, and start experiencing. It's wonderful.

[PizzaIsLife]

-Does anyone else ever stress themselves out/worry so much about the future? Finding the one?
I go through phases where I worry about it a lot, and then don't care about it. I must say the times I don't worry about it are much nicer. Just remember, all of your friends that have "the one" also get what those "ones" bring: beers, farting, constant football on TV

-How do you relieve the stress? Anxiety?
I used to bug out BIG TIME over dates. I would seriously worry myself to near sickness, it was terrible. The environment was a big thing. Do not go to a dressy restaurant at night for your first date. Do something in the day and carefree. Lunch? Coffee? Park walk? Daytime is great because it is less pressure and you can act more freely.

-How do you just enjoy the moment?
This probably won't apply to you because I'm a guy, but once I stop thinking, "I hope I can get laid" everything because so much easier

[DaneCA]

Originally Posted by Tayl405

I am the worst over-analyzer, about everything. I always have been. Luckily my girlfriends are the same way, so we can do it together. The best thing for me to not let a situation get too into my head is to keep busy. As long as I'm distracted I forget about whatever is eating at me. I'm not worried about finding "the one" but I will pick apart all kinds of situations. It's awful and I don't always know how to stop! But yeah, I just try to stay busy...

I'm also guilty of overanalyzing, especially when I really like a guy. But I've noticed that my best relationships didn't require a lot of thought. They just kind of worked and I didn't have to worry about every little thing. So maybe the need to overanalyze will be go away on its own when you meet the right person, I don't know. If not, like Taylor said, it really helps me to keep busy so I don't have time to dwell on the details. I also call my best friend when I start to stress, because she overanalyzes everything, too, and will let me talk until I realize how silly I'm being and get it out of my system. If she can't talk, I start to write her or another friend an e-mail, and often I don't even send the e-mail because seeing the situation in writing really clarifies it for me and I can calm myself down that way.