From
It's a Smurf World, After All
Eeryone's favorite little blue creatures enter the real world
Seems there was a smurf for every smurfin' emotion one could smurf of. Whether they were created smurfy or smurfy, smurfy or smurfy, those little blue rascals from the '80s serve as a perfect allegory for contemporary twentysomethings. Here's how they turned out:
Brainy. He graduated magna cum laude from some smurfy Ivy League school and won't let you forget it. Mr. Smurf-It-All was smart enough to not follow his dreams, but rather pursue a joint degree in computer science and finance so he could take the thousands he's raking in as an IT whiz and invest it wisely. And, just to protect his smurfy little assets, he got his juris doctorate. What a smurfin' smurf.
Grouchy. This miserable son of a smurf got a crap entry-level job in publishing right out of college and, three years later, he's got the same job. And his incessant pouting ensures that everyone knows his plight.
Lazy. Unemployed and smurfin' it, he's perfectly content living off unemployment checks, smurfing around the house in his pajamas and eating bowls of Smurfs cereal.
Vanity. This metrosexual smurf spends most of his time looking in the mirror and spends most of his money on tanning salons, clothes, electrolosis and Propecia. And he has Smurf Eye for the Smurf Guy to thank for it.
Cook. Sir Carbs-a-Lot was the last to catch onto the Atkins craze. And, unfortunately, his failed bagel business -- and some chubby smurfhandles -- are all he has to show for it. Thinner and sans gall bladder, he hopes to smurf his smurf around with a butcher shop.
Greedy. Made millions selling a dot-com smurf-up a few years back, but instead of diversifying his portfolio, he smurfed all his money into what surely seemed to be a safe company -- Enron.
Hefty. All those weights really helped this smurf get smurfed, and he smurfed his way into Major Smurf Baseball, where he continued to get smurfy. He even hit the smurf to increase his smurf. But when his smurf cap couldn't fit his smurfin' head any more and they couldn't tell his tail from his smurf, he got thrown out of baseball. Thin and unable to hit homers, he frequents Greedy's butcher shop.
Clumsy. He's collected big-time from worker's smurfensation. Three times.
Smurfette. This smurfy dame sure had her share of smurfs. And after she adopted the Paris Smurf look, the smurfs just kept flocking. But alas, she is raising a mushroom-hut full of smurfs all by her lonesome, and she's got a case of smurfes she just can't kick.
Handy. The crafty carpenter became a landlord, building smurf-budget housing and renting it out for high-budget rents. A sad slumsmurf who'll get what's smurfing to him.
Poet. Smurfed his own life while listening to Marilyn Smurfson.
Farmer. His land was smurfed up by the man so the state could run a highway through his farm, and now he's smurf out of luck collecting smurferment checks.
Jokey. Though he used to get all the laughs, Jokey's obsession with exploding gift boxes got him arrested and sent to Smurftanamo.
And as for Gargamel, well, his middle initial is now W. (more)
How to Manage a Date Crisis: Access Your Inner PR Person and Plan Your Recovery
By Dave Singleton, author of The Mandates and Behind Every Great Woman is a Fabulous Gay Man
www.davesingleton.com
First dates are nerve-wracking enough. Your mind races with questions. If it's a blind date, will you like him? If you've already met and sparked, will lightning strike twice?
Yes, these questions are important. But they're quickly forgotten when you're faced with a bona fide dating disaster. Managing a date crisis successfully separates the men from the boys, or, at least, the PR experts from the amateurs.
For some, bad news is a date deal-breaker. "By far, the worst date was with Jay, who I'd met a week earlier at a party," says Atlanta resident Tad, 34. "We sat down to dinner and I asked him about his day. He turned bright red and told me he'd just been fired that morning. We both wanted to crawl under the table. The worst part wasn't that he was unemployed. It was that he seemed so angry and uncomfortable. It was a very long, awkward meal. We never recovered from that, and I didn't see him again."
In a case like Tad's, where there could be adequate forewarning before the date (I.e. think hours, not minutes), consider canceling if you don't feel at your best. "Especially on the first few meetings, you owe it to your date to check whatever baggage you're carrying at the door," says Washingtonian Brooks, 34. "Drama should be kept to a minimum. You aren't starring on 'Beverly Hills 90210.'
For other date disasters, a good sense of humor on both sides is key to recovery.
"All was going great on my date" says New Yorker Brian, 29. "We were at a cool restaurant in Chelsea and our waiter brought us ground pepper for our meal. He couldn't get the pepper mill to work so he hit it, and pepper went into my eyes, which then teared up so bad! I went to the men's room where my left contact lens popped out and went down the sink. I returned to the table red-eyed, half blind, and embarrassed, but my date was good-natured about it. It made me like him more, and we're still dating."
From last-minute work problems to wardrobe malfunctions, what are the best ways to handle bad news that effects your date? Before a pepper spray threatens your next perfectly good dinner date, consider these common date disasters and how to fix them:
Date Disaster: Something bad just happened at work (I.e. you got fired or assigned a project that's due tomorrow).
Fix: "The first rule: no matter what the problem, 'fess up' immediately. Your date will sense something is wrong and think the problem's her or him," says Dr. Joy Browne, author of Dating For Dummies and Dating Disasters and How to Avoid Them. "And remember, no matter how bad it gets, really, is it the end of the world? Looking on the bright side of a dim moment can mean the difference between a disaster date and one that's the beginning of a great relationship."
Date Disaster: You forget your wallet or your credit card doesn't work.
Fix: Apologize to your date and insist on picking up the next tab or sending him a check after the date. "When this happened to me, I tried not to make a bigger deal about it," says Californian Aaron, 34. "I acted very responsible about following up, and then focused my attention back on the guy, where it belonged. In fact, I used it as a way to ask him out again, and made it clear the next one was on me."
Date Disaster: You talked waayyyyy too much.
Fix: Cop to your loquaciousness as soon as you come to your senses. "After I blathered on too much," says Washingtonian Michael, 38, "I told my date that I was a little mad at myself. I apologized for being a nervous-talker, and made it clear I hadn't heard as much about him as I'd like. Flattery can work wonders."
Date Disaster: You got horribly drunk.
Fix: Apologize to your date for getting carried away. "I had three martinis on an empty stomach," says Orlando native Russell, 34. "Not smart. I called my date the next day and let him know that drinking a lot wasn't typical for me. I'd overworked, skipped lunch, and then headed to meet him. On our next date, I limited my intake to a glass or two of wine during dinner. All was forgotten."
Date Disaster: You had a terrible fight with a friend beforehand.
Fix: Access your inner Oscar-winner and act happier than you feel. "Sometimes, you just have to just get over yourself," says Washingtonian Derek, 33. "This is one of those times. My friend's bad timing was not my date's fault. I took a few minutes before the date, breathed deeply and decided to put off thinking about the fight until later."
Date Disaster: Your face breaks out, your hair has a crazed mind of its own, or you have a wardrobe malfunction.
Fix: This kind of situation tries one's innermost faith. You see, you have to accept that, if your date is going to like you, he will overlook that scary zit, bad hair day, or popped button. As Virginian Chris, 27, says, "Being stressed out will make you feel worse. Fix what you can fix, like using concealer for a zit, and then let it go. Just don't face any mirrors during dinner that might make you feel self-conscious."
Bottom line: Any PR person will tell you that handling a crisis with humor, truth and grace is the best approach. By all means, don't lose your cool if dating disaster strikes! Very few dating calamities ruin lives, so keep perspective. As dating coach Melissa Darnay suggests in her book Dating 101: the Instant Cure for Romance Blues, "Keep a sense of humor! At the very least, you can enjoy a good laugh from your latest horror story."
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